Hm.  It’s definitely getting harder to just pull off looking “fat” and not “pregnant” at this point.

I am frustrated with maternity clothes because they have to be the only women’s clothing in the world that is designed to make a woman look extra fat.  My maternity clothes are definitely comfortable, but with the extra pounds they add and accentuate, especially with the maternity belt that lifts my uterus into an even more prominent position, I don’t wear them often unless I’m at least halfway covered with cardigans.  I am frustrated with my closet because the clothes I used to wear suddenly don’t fit anymore.

My supervisor at one job thought it would be best if no one knows I’m pregnant since she doesn’t want things to be awkward for me.  On the one hand, I agree.  It is really hard to be surrounded by people constantly talking about baby things when you don’t know how you’ll respond to it.  (Some days I’ve had to call in sick at the library because I can’t handle the thought of looking at children’s books and hearing other people’s babies crying and laughing.)  She also figures that if people know now what the diagnosis is, they’ll still make it awkward for me by always talking about it when I might not feel up to talking about it.

My mum seems to have the same attitude.  I don’t think she wants the rest of the family to even know I’m pregnant.  I haven’t told anyone outside of my parents, though my husband’s family all know (all of them who communicate with him, and even his mother, who he doesn’t have a good relationship with–or any relationship with most of the time).

The thing that no one seems to recognise, though, is that I am still getting bigger.  I’m starting to look pregnant.  I haven’t experienced the can’t-see-my-feet syndrome so many women talk about, and most of the time I feel like I must look like I just don’t know how to say no to chocolate (which is sometimes true, I admit…).  It still feels so strange to be covering up the fact that I have an expanding belly when I’m at work to keep the questions at bay.  It seems like I’m supposed to be ashamed of being pregnant, which is so frustrating to me because I’m not ashamed.  I’m not ashamed of my baby’s condition, and there’s certainly nothing shameful about the circumstances of how I got pregnant.

I just have to think about it as protecting myself from further unnecessary emotional hurt.  It is usually easier for people to not know, to not say anything.  But sometimes it’s harder, like having a coworker who’s just a few weeks ahead of me, and who everyone talks about and coos over because she has a baby coming.  It’s hard to not feel jealous sometimes.

I am thankful, however, for a strong support system at church, and for my parents (and those of my husband’s family who love and care for us so much) because as much as I hate talking about the specifics sometimes (especially since my head is constantly spinning with all of the different things the doctors keep telling us), it is good to know how much they love us–all of us, baby included.

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Looking Pregnant

2 thoughts on “Looking Pregnant

  1. Your body is doing an amazing thing! I understand the contrast of looking pregnant- wanting to enjoy all that comes with looking pregnant versus not knowing how to respond when people make well meaning but secretly painful comments. “aren’t you excited?” or “congratulations! how are you feeling?” or “you looks so small!” (dont you just want to say- because I have no fluid!?) I had someone say to me over and over “I hope you have a healthy baby!” when she saw I was pregnant. I wanted to say, “my baby wont be healthy, but I hope I have a baby.” It’s hard when you feel robbed of the pregnancy experience. But I hope you have some people at work or in your life who can still look at you and your growing belly and see what a wonder you are and wish good thoughts on that baby. All my coworkers know my baby’s situation and some of them I talk a lot to about it- I find it so helpful. Wishing good thoughts on your expanding body and growing baby!

    1. Thanks! 🙂

      Interestingly enough, my OB says that I’m measuring exactly where I should be right now and that if they hadn’t been doing ultrasounds, she’d have no idea anything was wrong. It seems crazy that I could possibly be the right size when I barely look pregnant at 7 months and when there’s no fluid! My mum carried both of us kids similarly though, so I kind of expected it. With both of us, people asked her afterward if she’d adopted since she hadn’t been pregnant (or so they thought!!).

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