Sad, Sad, Sad

It’s exceptionally cold today.  I don’t know why I decided walking to the library to use the Internet was a good idea, but here I am.  My husband just left for a week for his second graduate school audition and I am already drowning in loneliness.  I was already feeling pretty poorly emotionally, so not having him here is extremely hard.

I am trying to relax, have faith, pray, and be calm.  I know the prayers are the only things holding me together right now, and I’m thankful knowing that so many people out there are praying for us.  It is definitely getting harder the closer we get.

In three weeks, we should be having the baby.  We don’t know the date yet, but it will be around 36 weeks.  The last week of February is the latest I would want to go; I definitely don’t want to start Lent still not knowing how this is going to turn out.  They’ll set a date next week at my next appointment with the specialists, and I am legitimately scared.  Baby is head-down and in “perfect birthing position” as the ultrasound tech put it.  The specialist in charge of my case was visibly annoyed that baby has insisted on being head-down.  She knows that as long as baby is in good position for a natural birth, I won’t submit to a C-section unless the baby is in distress during delivery.  Now that I’m envisioning an induction, labour, and all that comes after, I am starting to feel a lot more anxiety than usual.  I would feel worse if things were different and we were scheduling a C-section, though, so I think the whole process, any way it goes, is extremely taxing on me.

Knowing that the baby is going to be born soon is horrifyingly sad to me.  I wonder if anyone else feels sad about her baby being born.  It seems out of the ordinary, but nothing about this has been ordinary after all.  As soon as the baby is born, I won’t be able to be close to it again unless it is clearly dying (when they said they will give the baby back to me) or is surviving well for a day or more and I have been discharged from the hospital (since we won’t be able to stay at the same hospital together unless it is obvious from the beginning that it will die).  This makes the process so much sadder.  I wish I could know the baby would stay with me.

My mum wanted to get a blanket for the baby, so my husband, my mum, and I went shopping together the other day to pick one out.  So few things are unisex, we ran into the typical problems.  However, we did find a really nice plain white blanket, and then my mum picked out a second blanket that was soft and cozy with a little duck on it.  We decided we would take the white blanket to wrap the baby up at the hospital as soon as we are able to.  So if the baby dies, it will die in that blanket.  Ironically, though, the other blanket (with the duck on it) is the one that has recently started making me cry every time I think about it.  Maybe it’s because I know that the baby will only use it if the baby survives and we can take it home alive.

So then I think, maybe if I just keep imagining my baby in that blanket, eventually the effect will wear off and I’ll stop crying.

So far, no luck.

I have to admit, I hate that stupid blanket now, just like I hate all of the adorable little baby clothes we’ve collected that I can’t even bring myself to imagine the baby ever wearing.

I don’t feel like it’s a “lack of faith” to accept the high likelihood that baby will not make it.  I can’t lie to myself and pretend like the odds aren’t against us.  I just wish I could get over this deep, dark sadness that is enveloping me this week.  

Maybe if it would just warm up, I would feel a little better.

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3 thoughts on “Sad, Sad, Sad

  1. I feel your pain on so so many levels, I am right where you are. My only peace I find is not dwelling on the details, only the truth that all of them are in God’s hands. I pray for you today, that God will provide you will many miracles and demonstrations of His love for you. Our babies are so special for sure…

  2. I’m crying for you as I read this. I guess I’m crying a bit for me too. There are some days of hope and there are some days of utter sadness. I tried to pick out a “going home” outfit for my baby- though really I was thinking it would more likely be a burial outfit. That day was just too sad. I hadn’t thought about a blanket to hold the baby in and I think its really lovely idea. Thank you for sharing that. I sense no lack of faith at all- we can all hope as much as we want, but sometimes the realities of our babies are unavoidable. Some days its just easier to be sad. That’s ok. Sending you a virtual hug.

    1. We bought a few clothes since we know the baby will need at least something to wear for burial if it does die, but it’s been really hard to find something appropriate. We just wanted something white since it’s traditional in our religion to be buried in a white baptismal gown, so at least white clothing will be good, but there is just nothing out there that is quite right. We acquired a couple of sleep sack type clothing pieces, which I figured would also be good if the baby’s feet/legs are a little misshapen. We haven’t been told anything about clubbed feet, but they also haven’t told us its feet aren’t clubbed, so I suspect they can’t tell (it’s hard for them to see much of anything–I’m surprised they can even make the measurements they can!). We also realised that if baby lives, it will need a few clothing items to get through the first few days, so we have those ready to go. Having a blanket seemed obvious, since it doesn’t matter what happens, it will need a blanket to be wrapped up in. The doctor even said that if cardiac arrest occurs after birth (which apparently is common with breathing problems), then they will wrap the baby up in the blanket and bring it back to me. So the baby needs to have a nice blanket for that, and my mum really wanted to give us one anyway. I feel more concerned that the baby is respectfully and properly laid to rest in the event it dies than that we are prepared to take it home–at the very least because the former will involve a lot of quick decisions while I’m still in the hospital, and the latter will take long enough that we will be able to make some preparations while the baby is still in the hospital. But of course you already know about that, too.

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