Regrets

The title of this post is misleading, because the truth is, I really don’t have any regrets.

I don’t regret not having a C-section.  In fact, I am thankful I did not.  It would not have saved my baby and it would have only kept me from seeing him in the NICU and holding him before he died.

I don’t regret not following our “plan” for Seraphim’s birth, which should have been at 36 weeks, not 35.  I don’t regret that I went into labour on my own, and that Seraphim came when he wanted and needed to.  It made things more complicated, but in the end, I am relieved and content that it happened how it did.

I don’t regret any decisions I made regarding Seraphim’s care or the doctors who took care of us.  They were the best for hundreds of miles and I trust that what they did was the best anyone could have done.  I saw how underdeveloped his lungs were in the X-ray; I don’t believe anyone else could’ve helped him live any longer than he did

Most of all, I don’t regret carrying him.  I was reading a scientific article last night that said that about 30% of babies diagnosed with bilateral renal agenesis in the womb are aborted.  I would never voluntarily kill my baby, no matter how small or sick, because I know that if no doctor can guarantee my child will live to a certain age, if no one can guarantee my child will not die in a car accident or die of SIDS or become horribly ill and die young, then I don’t have any business deciding when natural or unnatural events might take my child’s life.  I realise that being given a diagnosis like we were meant that my child would probably not survive long after birth–and he didn’t–but you know what?  I don’t regret letting him live as long as he could.  I don’t regret the 8 months we got to enjoy with him before he was born (even though my pregnancy was difficult).  I wished he could’ve stayed with us longer, but I don’t regret a single day or hour or minute we did get with him.  I am thankful for them, and I am thankful Seraphim was in our lives for however short a while he was.

I don’t regret that he was conceived, I don’t regret that I was pregnant with him, and I don’t regret that he was born, even though I knew he would probably die very soon.  I wanted to spend every minute with him, and we did.  No regrets.

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2 thoughts on “Regrets

  1. he is so adorable. thank you for sharing his photo. I have been wondering and trying to picture him and now I have his face to put to his name. What a lovely little boy you made. I agree, how can you regret that? never.

  2. Sweet sweet Seraphim. Your post and his picture brought me to tears tonight. I am walking so intimately with you through this journey and I know it is hard. The hardest in fact. But you are so right, no regrets. His little life is so worth it. Love you sister, stay strong.

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