it’s hard to blog being back at work, plain and simple.
I have a million things in my head I’d like to get out–about my baby and not about my baby (that’s OK isn’t it? to not think about my baby every single millisecond and incorporate his memory into every single thought and phrase and idea?)–but no time to do anything. We don’t have internet at home, so internet is reserved for important things, like paying bills and finding directions.
I’ve applied to a few job postings recently. I’m ready, plain and simple, for a change. I need something new. I already needed something new, but now without Seraphim in my life, it doesn’t feel right to keep going on with life as it is. Besides, work at the library turned into a nightmare when I went back; it has not improved and likely never will. Just having a baby that died changed a job I enjoyed into a job that I despise. My supervisor is mostly to blame–she who, while pregnant herself, forbade me from talking about my pregnancy, then forbade my coworkers from talking to me when I returned. I felt like I was wallowing through the deepest darkness of my life the first month back, and when I finally found out why no one would talk to me about why I was gone and would walk away when I attempted to say something about my child, I was beyond devastated. I blame the stress and heartache from my job for some of my problems with my menstrual cycles; stress has had similar results in the past.
So, something new would be nice. I’m not trying to forget Seraphim or leave him behind. I just feel like him being here and then not being here anymore has given me reason to pursue something maybe I wouldn’t’ve if I were taking care of him now.
I don’t know what I’ll do if I don’t get a new job in the next month or two. I can’t bear the thought of going on like this.