I’ve realised more strongly as time has passed how the grief affects me.
I think I don’t experience too much grief–at least not as much as I thought I might, and not debilitating most days–and then I realise how my body physically experiences it instead. Aside from the anxiety that clutches at my heart and won’t let go, my body is still dragging out the post-baby healing process. All of my hair is falling out right now. I haven’t lost this much hair in a while. My hair lost its curl (though I’m starting to get it back this week). I’m breaking out everywhere. My hair and skin are oily instead of the dry they’ve been the past 10 years. And I can’t drop a single pound.
I’m the same weight I was right before I had the baby.
My doctor told me at my 2 week postpartum check-up that I needed to do something about the weight. I was already in the doghouse for gaining too much weight when I was pregnant. Since I am technically obese, I was supposed to gain, at most, 15 pounds. Despite not eating the first trimester, I gained 15 pounds. By the time I approached the end of my pregnancy, I was nearly 50 pounds heavier than at the beginning. I figured I’d lose 20 pounds just having the baby and clearing out my uterus. Not so for me.
Because my hormones have been out of whack for a while, I haven’t been able to lose weight for years. Right now, I feel like it’s serious. I’ve never weighed this much. I try to watch what I eat, but it doesn’t seem to help. I don’t fit most of my clothes, so I finally broke down and bought a couple more things. I didn’t want to encourage myself to not lose weight, but I need something to wear, don’t I?
So now I’m in a bad cycle. My weight has me down in addition to the obvious downs I already feel. Being depressed about my weight will make me hang onto it more.
If my hormones were straightened out, I could lose weight. If I could lose weight, my hormones would straighten out.
I hate this.