Little Things

There are two weddings, kind of, coming up this month.

One is not actually a wedding.  It’s a reception that’s occurring 10 months after they eloped.  It’s my cousin, and apparently she’s heavily pregnant again.  Hopefully this time at least she knows who the father is…

It’s things like that that irritate me the most right now.  That she can have babies just fine and be successful and some semblance of happy.  I know I’m not supposed to covet others’ happiness, and worst of all, wish them to not be happy.  I have to admit it’s hard sometimes.

I’m still trying to figure out how to not go to it.  It’s been so long, it’s really just a ruse to get gifts.  When I opened the invitation, the first thing that fell out was a GIVE US PRESENTS AND WE WANT THEM FROM HERE card.  AKA a gift registry card.  It’s one of my pet peeves: including gift registries in the invitation.  All it says to me is, “This wedding is not about getting married and is not about us wanting you to support our lives together.  This is all about us getting money and gifts so hurry up and pile them on.”  It’s rude, and that’s why.  Gifts should be given because the attendant WANTS to give them; not because they feel coerced.

I’m fine with gift registries as long as they aren’t shamelessly advertised.  We put ours, reluctantly, on our wedding website, at the bottom of the page (I figured I didn’t care if people didn’t buy anything–it was like a “wish list” for us).  When people asked, I would tell them.  I never wanted anyone to feel like a gift was a prerequisite to attending our wedding.  All we wanted was the love and support of our friends and family.  The gifts were great and we use them every day, but that’s not what it was about.

On principle, I don’t give gifts to people who try to guilt me into giving them gifts.  I want to give them because I love the people.  So since this whole thing seems to be about getting stuff, I don’t want to go at all.

Besides, since she’s about to pop, and I don’t have interest in being around pregnant women right now, I really don’t want to go.

I probably sound wretched and selfish, but I just don’t have the strength for some of these things.  I battle every day at work and I’m just plain exhausted.  I don’t want to take on anything more than I already have on my plate.

The other wedding I’m excited for, though.  I’m a little nervous there will be babies there, but I just have to prepare myself.  The irritating thing is that, as if she knew, my awful supervisor scheduled me to work that day.  It is a strict rule we work every other weekend.  I’m on the schedule to work three weekends in a row.

I’ll get this worked out, but the little things seem like too much because the big things are already too much.


Sometimes Life Doesn’t Go Forward

Sometimes I feel like the world is just against us.

No luck on getting a new job.  I am desperate.  If I weren’t the primary provider for our family and if my husband weren’t going back to school, I would probably do something reckless.  Like quit my degree-required jobs and work anywhere else.

But right now I need to be making more money, not less, and can’t afford reckless.  I have to be responsible.  And right now, responsible sucks.

I think because of the work situation, I have been withdrawing more and more into myself.  I don’t know how to counteract it.  I forget to call friends, do chores, I can’t handle normal stress levels involved in things like driving and filling out job applications.  I want to do nothing more than lay in bed and read all day.  I feel terrible because I haven’t lost any weight, and I feel so terrible I can’t bear to do anything about it.  I mope a lot, and I get angry with my husband a lot over stupid things.  He’s amazingly patient and understanding.  He’s as confused over me as I am, but he tries to listen and understand me.  I definitely married the right guy.

I feel like as time goes on, I feel more sad about my baby not being with us any more.  Maybe it’s because people don’t ever talk about him.  Ever.  They talk about others’ babies, but mine stopped existing, and is old news.  Sometimes life doesn’t goes forward for me, and other people don’t even see it.

I need to take some online courses this year so that I can be more confident getting another job, or getting ahead in another job.  (Let’s face it: I’m never going to get ahead where I am now.  I have reached the end of the line and there’s no where to go; hence my need for something else.)  The problem is, with my husband started his teaching credential, we have no extra money for me to take a few classes unless I get a new job.  Catch-22 free-for-all.

I want to travel, see some friends from college, but we don’t have time for it and can’t afford it.

We went on a short trip last week, just about 90 miles away, and on the way there, we got hit by a semi.  Two accidents in one year.  At least this time the car isn’t totalled, just about $1,000 worth of damage.  Could have been worse.  But the point is, this is not helping my driving anxiety, and it was definitely not our fault and couldn’t be avoided since we got run off the road as it was.  I spent the rest of the trip white-knuckled in the passenger seat and under so much stress I could hardly think straight.  It definitely put a damper on things.

As a rather unrelated aside, if locals call a death-defying hike that involves driving 4,000 feet in elevation up a primitive one-lane forest road alongside a cliff, then hiking 1,500 feet in elevation on a small, rocky path crowded with wildlife, wildflowers, and sights of rivers and mountains “boring,” DON’T ask them what their idea of “exciting” is!

That’s all for now.  Hopefully something cheerier, or at least more profound, later on.