Sometimes Life Doesn’t Go Forward

Sometimes I feel like the world is just against us.

No luck on getting a new job.  I am desperate.  If I weren’t the primary provider for our family and if my husband weren’t going back to school, I would probably do something reckless.  Like quit my degree-required jobs and work anywhere else.

But right now I need to be making more money, not less, and can’t afford reckless.  I have to be responsible.  And right now, responsible sucks.

I think because of the work situation, I have been withdrawing more and more into myself.  I don’t know how to counteract it.  I forget to call friends, do chores, I can’t handle normal stress levels involved in things like driving and filling out job applications.  I want to do nothing more than lay in bed and read all day.  I feel terrible because I haven’t lost any weight, and I feel so terrible I can’t bear to do anything about it.  I mope a lot, and I get angry with my husband a lot over stupid things.  He’s amazingly patient and understanding.  He’s as confused over me as I am, but he tries to listen and understand me.  I definitely married the right guy.

I feel like as time goes on, I feel more sad about my baby not being with us any more.  Maybe it’s because people don’t ever talk about him.  Ever.  They talk about others’ babies, but mine stopped existing, and is old news.  Sometimes life doesn’t goes forward for me, and other people don’t even see it.

I need to take some online courses this year so that I can be more confident getting another job, or getting ahead in another job.  (Let’s face it: I’m never going to get ahead where I am now.  I have reached the end of the line and there’s no where to go; hence my need for something else.)  The problem is, with my husband started his teaching credential, we have no extra money for me to take a few classes unless I get a new job.  Catch-22 free-for-all.

I want to travel, see some friends from college, but we don’t have time for it and can’t afford it.

We went on a short trip last week, just about 90 miles away, and on the way there, we got hit by a semi.  Two accidents in one year.  At least this time the car isn’t totalled, just about $1,000 worth of damage.  Could have been worse.  But the point is, this is not helping my driving anxiety, and it was definitely not our fault and couldn’t be avoided since we got run off the road as it was.  I spent the rest of the trip white-knuckled in the passenger seat and under so much stress I could hardly think straight.  It definitely put a damper on things.

As a rather unrelated aside, if locals call a death-defying hike that involves driving 4,000 feet in elevation up a primitive one-lane forest road alongside a cliff, then hiking 1,500 feet in elevation on a small, rocky path crowded with wildlife, wildflowers, and sights of rivers and mountains “boring,” DON’T ask them what their idea of “exciting” is!

That’s all for now.  Hopefully something cheerier, or at least more profound, later on.

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2 thoughts on “Sometimes Life Doesn’t Go Forward

  1. I’m so sorry things are going this way. it’s so frustrating! I only just started work and don’t like it either (different reasons). ANd I find myself withdrawing too. Maybe it’s some sort of safety mechanism or maybe its a natural reaction. Out world stops and everyone else’s goes on, so we feel less connected. I want to you to know that I’m right there with you, wanting to lie in bed all day.

  2. I am so sorry that you are struggling to find work and are dealing with anxiety. After all you have been through, I’m sure that this is so frustrating.

    You will be in my prayers and I will be hoping that you will find a job soon and that your heart will continue to heal.

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