Disappointment

Today I made an entire slow cooker of good, hearty soup.  We have a 7-quart slow cooker (and a 2-quart, but I didn’t use it for this recipe!), so it’s enough to last a week.

I always find myself thinking, When we have a houseful of children, this will be the perfect amount for once!

I find myself increasingly wondering if we’ll ever have a child, let alone a houseful like we always planned on.

I try to stay positive, but I’ve lost a lot of faith in myself.  Between my anxiety and my weight, I feel like I have no business being a mother.

I survived a trip across the state last weekend–but only barely.  My husband said I did better than he’d seen in months (I can’t handle being a passenger in the car any more, especially if two-way highways are involved), but I felt like I was screaming in my head the whole time.

Months ago I told my husband that when I was down to my pre-pregnancy weight again it might be safe to try to have another baby.  I’ve worked hard at it and barely lost 5 lbs. about two weeks ago.  I still have 55 to go and it seems hopeless now.

I try to keep my head up but a lot of days I just don’t want to.

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