An End of Some Sort in Sight

Less than two weeks to go.

At my appointment on Monday, we scheduled the induction to begin on February 24th, about a month before my due date.

I am relieved to have a date, but much more terrified than before that everything is really happening and I don’t know how to adequately prepare for it.  There are a lot of unknowns–more because I am having an induction, and a very early one at that.  No one has explained what my options for labouring will be, so reading books with all of the suggestions to “try this” or “do that” to relieve or deal with certain pains are frustrating.  I already have tremendous back pain, and the thought of being restricted to my back for potentially days is especially scary.

The doctor said it will take 12-18 hours to get my cervix soft–a process that will have to be repeated if it isn’t successful enough.  Once I’m dilated 2cm, we can start amnioinfusion (after dr ruptures my membranes to make it possible), as long as baby isn’t in distress.  Then the goal is to get me into real labour in a reasonable amount of time since my membranes will have been ruptured, and to deliver baby without complications.  The nurse told me I wouldn’t have many labouring options since I won’t be able to walk and probably won’t be able to squat with an amnioinfusion.  I don’t do well with most pain medications (they barely take the edge off the pain but psychologically inhibit me so I can’t focus and therefore can’t rationally deal with the pain I am experiencing, which causes me to panic), but if I have to spend more than 20 minutes on my back, I will be in excruciating pain–with or without contractions! 

I am frustrated because, while I am finally getting my way with attempting a natural birth, this isn’t at all what I envisioned for birthing my child.  I know the complications make it this way and that this is probably the best option I have out of the few that exist, but it’s definitely not what I would have ever dreamed of wanting before all of this got complicated.  None of this matters except that labour for me is a terrifying unknown and I’m not sure how I will cope with it, especially knowing the probable prognosis.  I have enough trouble getting out of bed in the morning just thinking about how much joy little baby’s kicks bring and how much sadness I feel wondering how much longer we have with it. 

I am so glad that I have a date so that I can try to motivate myself to get through just 7 more days of work.  Maybe 8 if I end up working the Saturday before as well, but that would still be manageable.  I can’t wait until I’m done dealing with HR staff.  I learned today that the HR employee at the library who kept telling me I didn’t need any paperwork filled out to take leave was thinking I would only be gone for a week.  When my supervisor triple-checked with her today, she exclaimed, “6 weeks?  Well, of course she’s going to have to fill out a form!”  I’m not quite sure how many women who have worked here have been resilient enough to return a week after birthing a baby, but I certainly am not the first to take 6 weeks (another employee on leave currently is taking 12).  I am too tired and have too much to do to deal with this nonsense anymore.

In the meantime, my husband is getting called into work a lot (finally), but with our opposite work schedules (I work 8:30AM-4:30PM, he works 4:00PM-12:30AM), it makes our lives a little difficult.  Hopefully this keeps up after we get back home from the hospital (no telling when that will be, however) since with me not working anymore and only having paid leave at one job, we’ll need the extra money to pay the bills.  And I know he’ll need to be working to stay positive and process his thoughts.


Almost 32 Weeks

On mornings like this morning when it is grey and frosty out, I wish I could lie in bed all day and just feel the baby kicking, squirming, and stretching.  I love feeling its movements and knowing it’s still doing OK in there.

Almost to 32 weeks now.

One of my coworkers at the library is starting her maternity leave early next week.  She’s due in March, like I am.  One of the supervisors asked me to work extra to cover her absence.  I couldn’t believe he’d ask me to do that when I can barely come in every day as it is, can barely physically handle my job as it is.  Besides, I will be having my baby before she does most likely.  It would be pointless having someone cover someone else for a couple of weeks and then need to be gone for a while, too.

I’m technically on “light duty” at the library, but that doesn’t mean much.  Unfortunately my job doesn’t involve many things that qualify as light duty.  If I got paid more, I would have a more sedentary position, but since I have a minimum wage, no benefits job, 99% of the job description involves manual labour.  A lot of days, I just don’t feel physically capable of doing my job well and I wish they could give me something else to do.  I really like working there, I love the people I work with, and they need me and we need the income (especially since my husband is not working currently, thanks to the slow season).  I end up taking a lot of time off that I don’t want to.

I look forward to being able to work normally again, but at the same time, I dread what the months ahead have in store for us.  So for now, I’m just enjoying every bit of movement I can from baby, not knowing what things will be like when it is no longer inside kicking.